What people at the end of life regret most
Tales from the hospice
Tales from the hospice
At the end of life, people often reflect on their experiences and may express regrets.
According to a study by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who cared for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives, the most common regrets expressed by her patients were related to their personal fulfilment and relationships. These regrets were documented in her book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
Regrets at the End of Life
1. Not Living True to Themselves
Many individuals regret not having the courage to live a life true to themselves, rather than the life others expected of them. Ware writes, “This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.”
2. Working Too Hard
Ware’s patients often expressed regret about spending too much time working at the expense of family and personal happiness. She notes, “All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”
3. Not Expressing Feelings
Many people regret not having expressed their true feelings. Ware found that “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.”
4. Losing Touch with Friends
Patients also regretted not staying in touch with friends and letting friendships slip away. Ware writes, “There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.”
5. Not Allowing Themselves to Be Happier
They wish they had been happier and enjoyed life more.
Most people regretted the time they wasted worrying about things beyond their control. They didn’t realize they were capable of choosing fun and happiness until it was too late.
Finally, individuals often regret not allowing themselves to be happier. Ware found that “Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
Spend a few minutes every day doing something that you love and that brings you joy.
Ware, B. (2012). “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
Social Worker, Grace Bluerock, LCSW who also spent 6 years as a hospice worker lists these: http://tinyurl.com/2wh7cc7r
1. They wish they had been more loving to the people who matter the most
Many people expressed sorrow for not having been more understanding, caring, and present for the people who were important to them. They wished they had the courage to say “I love you” more often.
Take a few moments to write a letter or make a phone call to someone you love and let them know how much you care. It will mean the world to them, and it’ll make you feel pretty great too.
2. They wish they had been a better spouse, parent, or child
The people I worked with often regretted taking their families for granted. After all, once they got terminally ill, it was their families who stuck by them to hold their hand, provide love and companionship, and care for them around the clock.
Even if your family is not perfect, they’re probably the ones who are there for you when you need them. Remember to express gratitude for them daily.
3. They wish they had not spent so much time working
Many had worked long, hard hours, and they regretted missing the important moments in their kids’ lives. I remember one such person — a salesman whose boss expected him to travel three weeks each month when he had a young daughter at home. Although he was an excellent provider for her, he never got to know her well.
As she became older, he tried to form a relationship with her, but it was too late to make up for lost time. He never fully forgave himself for choosing time at work over time with her.
Remember that you have choices when it comes to your job. Choose a company that values a healthy work-life balance. It’s OK to respectfully decline additional assignments that would require you to work beyond your assigned hours. Your job is important, but there are other things in life that are just as important.
4. They wish they had taken more risks
Many felt that a fear of failure caused them to play it too safe. They knew that they could have had richer, more fulfilling lives had they taken some risks and disturbed the status quo.
Consider making a list of everything you have ever wanted to experience in life. Then start crossing them off one by one and watch your happiness (and your comfort zone) expand dramatically.
5. They wish they had been happier and enjoyed life more
Most people regretted the time they wasted worrying about things beyond their control. They didn’t realize they were capable of choosing fun and happiness until it was too late.
Spend a few minutes every day doing something that you love and that brings you joy.
6. They wish they had lived their dream
Many people’s lifelong dreams went unfulfilled because they were too concerned with trying to live up to someone else’s expectations.
You are the only one who knows what’s best for you. Allow yourself to be open to endless possibilities. When envisioning your dream, remember the mantra, “this or something even better.”
7. They wish they had taken better care of themselves
Most patients thought that if they’d eaten better, slept more, and paid more attention to their health and well-being, they might not have gotten sick. They wished they had made self-care more of a priority.
Make time to go on a nature walk, take a nap, or meditate each and every day.
8. They wish they had done more for others
I heard countless wishes from people who dreamed of making a difference through kindness, compassion, and acts of service. Many patients made the decision — often right from their hospice beds — to donate their money to charities and service organizations so they could positively affect the lives of others after they were gone.
Pick a cause that is special to you and consider donating a bit of your time or money to help someone in need.
9. They wish they had chosen more meaningful work
Many expressed that they had never enjoyed their job but had stuck with it year after year to pay the bills. They wished instead that they had chosen work that was in line with their purpose and passions — work that they were excited about and gave them a sense of fulfilment.
In conclusion, the regrets of the dying often revolve around living a life true to oneself, fostering meaningful relationships, and allowing oneself to be happy. These insights can serve as a powerful reminder to prioritise what truly matters in life and to live with authenticity and purpose.
Take some time to get crystal clear on what you are passionate about.